Ok, One More Student Quote

"I love my sister because she is yellow."

-Asian Student X

Can you spot her?...Wait, she isn't referring to the Lego family? Ohh shiiieeeeeet.

Student Quote of the Day

" I never like english because the english is very difficult. But I'm very very Little like english because I respect Obama."

- Student X

Well, I never really respected English; I just unfortunately had no other choice but to speak it. However, this student makes a good point, what is there not to respect about this man? He remains cool at all times, even when backwoods retards from the South are arguing for a doctor's rights to make money off of a broke, and dying cancer patient. Thanks Obama, I now respect the English language!

T-Ara - Bo Peep

Apart from a terrible title for a song, and perhaps the worst 90's revival band name I have ever seen. Think about it, 'N-Sync, B44, etc... T-Ara takes the proverbial cake. You thought the airwaves in North America was flooded with shit? Well, I have to listen to diarrhea like this on a daily basis in South Korea. I bet the music up north isn't even this depressing.

The Boy 8-Bit - Baltic Pine

I'm just in a musical mood today! Also, a mood for cute and cuddly, yet creepy toys!

Track of the Day

Not quite an oldie, but a goodie nonetheless.

Student Quote of the Day

For those that don't know, I am currently an English teacher in South Korea. Although I should not be sharing my student's writings like this, I can hardly resist.

Student X writes:

"They are eat blackfast at 9 o'clock."

Ignoring the awkward grammar, I came across the word "blackfast". I don't know what or who a blackfast is, but my student, knowing that I am Canadian could be referring to the great Ben Johnson. My logic? Well, apart from the fact that there is an obvious Korean connection in that he won the Men's 100m gold in SEOUL God damn KOREA, he is also black and fast. Ergo, blackfast.

Suspect #1: Ben Johnson

Other "blackfast" possibilities:

Suspect #2: Usain "Menenenene (Reggae Horn)" Bolt
Evidence: A black and fast world record holder.

Suspect #3: Twista a.k.a. "Guy That Raps Too Damn Fast to Comprehend"
Evidence: He's black and talks fast.

Suspect #4: R.I.P. James Brown a.k.a. "The Hardest Working Man in Show Business"
Evidence: He was black and lived fast.

Suspect #5: Bill "The Sweater" Cosby
Evidence: Black comedian whose material dies fast...Well except for Jello commercials.

Suspect #6: Samuel L. "Put Muhthafuckin' Snakes in any Muthafuckin' Script" Jackson
Evidence: Angry, black, and known to kick some ass fast...Don't let the photo fool you.


Suspect #6: MC "I Bought a Solid Muthafuckin' Gold Toilet, and Then Decided to Become Religious Once I Realized I Spent Beyond My Means and Found Solace in God and Doing His Work" Hammer.
Evidence: Black man that came and went. Essentially, black and fast.

I know what you are all thinking, "Dave, you need to stop right here, this is enough, we get it." But to that I say nay; sure I've created a fantastic short list the movers and shakers in the black community, but what good would that be if one could not speculate on who would be the most tender, delectable, and hearty blackfast. I ask myself soul-searching questions like: "Does blackfast age like a good bottle of Chianti?", or "Does one truly enjoy a good blackfast when it is young?", veal comes to mind; and finally, " Is blackfast better when it is a profanity spewing, callous, type-casted entertainer?" So without further "to do", I give you my list of the tastiest blackfasts in the globe:

In order of scrumptiousness:

7.) Twista: Yes he is from Chicago, but so what. It may be the windy city, but I can't even comprehend the wind that escapes his mouth. As far as I am concerned, he would be a terrible date; stale and incomprehensible conversation. I deem him student quality blackfast.

Cheer up Tiwsta!

6.) Bill Cosby: Amazing sweaters, but terrible everything else. Serve with Jello pudding.

Cheer Up Bill!

5.) MC Hammer: Fashion sense, or a disappointing outcome? Either way, Hammer is obviously trying to overcompensate for something. His conscious emotional detachment from those he loves, or his lack of confidence in the male genitalia. Personally, I like a confident chicken, I don't want an insecure blackfast.

Cheer Up Hammer!

4.) Usain Bolt: Yes, he's fast, and yes, he's black. However, has he arrived at the ultimate strata of blackfastedness? I think not. Sorry Mr. Bolt, either you break more world records or musicians create music to celebrate your world records at a world record pace. Then maybe, just maybe, you can reach the number three plateau.

Cheer Up Usain!

3.) James Brown: Yes, he lived fast. Yes, he even was black; and yes, he even was a drug addicted, incomprehensible, outlandish, and entertaining celebrity, but Mr. James Brown is just too good for blackfast. He moved on before the word even materialized. Perhaps he was a modern day Mayan who knew 2012 was bullshit, and decided to move on two weeks before a scheduled concert at Casino Rama in Rama, Ontario, Canada in 2006!

Don't Bother Cheering Up!

Samuel L. Jackson: You don't eat him for blackfast, he eats you, and shitty post-2000 movie scripts..

Cheer Up Samuel L.!

1.) Ben Johnson: Besides the fact that you still could not outrun Ben Johnson, you could not just bring yourself to eating a blackfast of this nature. He Cheetahs; yes he has sunk so low that he must film a commercial on a faux talk show with recently bankrupt Frank D'Angelo, that one could not feel a lack of sympathy for such an athlete with a tarnished career. However, I don't really mind. Mr. Johnson is quite like candies; a guilty pleasure that one does not care about until someone brings up the fact that your are 40 lbs. overweight and injecting steroids.

Cheetah Up Ben!

The Seoul Times - "Japan Boiled Comfort Woman to Make Soup"

"The Japanese killed a Korean woman and boiled her flesh in a big pot," said a former North Korean comfort woman in an interview. "They lied to us that it was beef soup and we ate it."

The Seoul Times recently published a first hand account from a Korean woman who served as a sex slave to the Japanese Military before and during WWII. It is estimated by certain scholars that more than 200,000 women served as "comfort women" during Japanese expansion in the early 20th century.

Here is the article in it's entirety:

"The Japanese killed a Korean woman and boiled her flesh in a big pot," said a former North Korean comfort woman in an interview. "They lied to us that it was beef soup and we ate it."

The 83-year-old Park Young-Shim said that the Japanese killed some of the comfort women just because they were not cooperative in serving sex to the Japanese soldiers.

South Korea's news agency YNA reported on April 27th, her case quoting a witness' account article from the April 27, 2005 edition of the ethnic Chosunshinbo (http://www.korea-np.co.jp/) newspaper of the pro-North Korean Association of Koreans in Japan called in Korean "Jochongryon."

"One day Japs came and said that because we are nearly starving to death, they would treat us with beef soup," said Park. "So we ate it and they said with a big chuckle that the soup was made out of the meat of a Korean woman."

"Japs are really like animals," Park continued. "They butchered one of the comfort women who refused to serve sex for them and they boiled her flesh in a pot."

She said that she was 17 when she was taken by Japanese police in Nampo, South Pyongan Province, North Korea in 1938. She was working as a housemaid in the city.

She recounted that in March, 1938 a Japanese policeman showed up in front of her and put her on the train, taking her somewhere in China. She said that the Japanese cop said "I will introduce a good job to you." She put up a strong resistance but to no avail.

Later she found that it was Nanjing in China where the Japanese took her.
Park recalled that there were many Japanese military installations. There was a "comfort station" called "Geumsuro Comfort Station" about 500 meters away from one of the Japanese military posts.The station was a three-storey brick house and in the house each room had one bed which measured 2 by 2.5 meters.

"I was extremely shocked when I entered one of the rooms. I was wondering and worried about what's going to happen to me soon." Park remembered.

"A little while later, a Japanese soldier came in and I realized what would occur to me," I resisted with all of my strength," said Park.

Park was kicked and beaten all over her body but she resisted to the end. Eventually, the Japanese soldier drew his long sword from his waist and threatened to cut her neck.

From then on she had to deal with some 30 Japanese soldiers per day. Every time she became sick or too tired and she refused to have sex with them, she was beaten severely. She still carries some scars on her body left by the sword of Japanese soldiers.

"I became so sick and I took some opium but the pain did not go away," said Park."I tried to take my own life on several occasions but it was not even possible."

During the course of the war between Japan and China (1937-45) and later the Pacific War (1941-45) she had to move from one comfort station to another in the Japanese military installations within mainland China.

Finally, the end of the Pacific War between Japan and the US appeared to bring her freedom. With war's end Korea was liberated from Japanese colonial rule (1910-1945). Yet her following years were not met with happy or at least normal days.

She was not able to come to her hometown immediately. In the years later with the help of her Chinese friend she was able to come back to North Korea.

In the home country she had to undergo a couple of medical operations including one to remove her womb. She still suffers from a heart ailment, nervous tension along with pains all over her body.

"I still wake up in the middle of the night when I recall the past nightmare," said Park. "I cannot die before they apologize to me and other comfort women."

The Imperial Japanese Army first introduced "a system of military sexual slavery" or euphemistically "comfort woman system" for its soldiers in 1932.

By 1938 the system was spanned out to the entire military, which conquered and ruled much of Asia during WWII. "The Rape of Nanjing" incident led to the heinous system.

When Japanese soldiers raped Chinese women in Nanjing and anti-Japanese feeling heightened, the Japanese military decided to set up "comfort stations" or sex facilities within its military units as a way of relieving its soldiers of their pent up desire.

In 1941 when the Pacific War broke out and the Japan's war front was expanded they needed more comfort women. With the help of the Japanese governor general in Seoul, Japanese military officers were on a hunt for comfort women in the entire area of the Korean Peninsula.
The number of Korean victims was estimated at between 80,000 and 200,000. The Japanese government denied that they ran any such system until 1991 when a brave woman named Kim Hak-Soon came out and revealed the Japanese atrocities to the world. Japanese Governor General's Office in Seoul incinerated all related documents before the closing of WWII.

A 1994 report shows that there are still hundreds of former sex slaves alive. Most of them are women of Asian countries occupied by Japan before and during the Pacific War. Among them are 160 South Koreans, 131 North Koreans, 100 Filipinos, 50 Taiwanese, 8 Indonesians, and two Malays. These numbers are only for those who revealed their real names.

There are much more victims living out there who do not want to identify their tragic past. Even after Korea's liberation from Japan in 1945, many of the Korean victims chose to live in the Asian country where they were forced to serve sex to Japanese soldiers.

OMG!

OK! One more Big Booty Boogie. I'm sorry, but this is a must, just wait until the grand finale.

Big Bum Boogie...Shall I Say More?

Throwback Viral Video O' the Day

EVERYDAY I'M HUNGRY!

G-Dragon: EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD

So, here in Korea, there is this super star musical act known as G-Dragon, or as I like to call him, Korean Lady GaGa with a penis, and a less dramatic fashion sense. Here's just a taste of Mr. We All Know What the "G" Stands for Dragon...Christ, Auto-Tune is even bigger in Korea than back home, does the Lord hath no mercy?

Yes, take it all in. This is what young Korean boys aspire to be. There is nothing wrong with being a heart breaker, but I do think there is something very wrong with wanting to be a very sexually and racially ambiguous pop star.

Remember what I said about a less dramatic fashion sense, well I think I lied.

Notice a difference? Well, if you didn't, Lady GaGa is on the top, and G-Dragon (stupid name, dragon's stopped being cool in the late 90's when they started appearing on collared shirts).

Here is some more G-Dragon viewing, and listening pleasure. I do this for you, for you the readers to know how much pain I experience daily.



No G-Dragon, this is not what I'm waiting for, I'm waiting for you to disappear into Korean obscurity.

Track O' the Day: Major Lazer Feat. Jahdan Blakkamoore - Cash

Very nice track. I especially enjoy listening to it while on the toilet, or taking a shower, or both.

The Hood Internet

I've been listening to these boys from Chicago for quite some time, and they are top shelf stuff. If you like the hip-hop and anything mash-up, this is your best bet. Check some of their new tracks:

DJ STV SLV - Like Yea(h)sayer (B.G. vs Yeasayer)

Just in Time for the Holidays: Sketchy Santas!

This is an early Christmas present for everyone out there. Remember when you were a kid, and there was at least one photo of you streaming tears while you sat in Santa's lap? Well in actuality, Santa's name was Earl, and he was also the mall's janitor just looking to pick up some extra cash for the Christamas season.

Anyways, check out http://www.sketchysantas.com/, you won't regret it.

Sample o' the Day: UGK Vs. The Isley Brothers

Both tracks are awesome, UGK if you are hanging with the boys, and a little bit of Isley Brothers for the ladies :)

Lantern Fest Seoul

Cory and myself just strolling along the river and taking in the sights. We miss everyone in T.O.

The Easter Island lanterns. Not much to say about these two party animals. Well I guess, by sarcastically labelling them party animals, I did in fact say a lot about their character. Either way, they should have kept them on the island.

That's right baby, the Sphinx is chillin' in the lazy river. Can you dig that? Oh, and I forgot to mention, he's got his nose back!

Awwwwww jyeaaaa! One of the wonders of the ancient world juxtaposed with one of the great accidents of the Italian world. Which one, would you rather sit on? I think most would say pyramid.

Dice: Specializing in Trick Fixies

These are the boys at Dice Fixed Gear in Hapjeong. I think DK is the guy that runs shop there, and his English is on point. He told me he's getting in some track style bikes strictly for riding, so go check him out!

Here's the link:
http://dicefixedgear.blogspot.com/

Soju Sagas: Episode 1: Cool Your Jets

This will be the first of my many Soju Sagas. For those of you who don't know, Soju is a traditional alcoholic beverage. For those of you that do know, we like to call it the Devil's Piss, or Gary Busey's Tears. Whatever you prefer, this rice concoction is cheap, and very effective, almost too effective. So without further TO do, I give you Episode 1.

I must admit, this tale is quite hazy for the following reasons: i.) it was my first night in Seoul, let's estimate 37 days ago, ii.) I had a very empty stomach, iii.) I hadn't slept in 48 hours, and iv.) Soju is Satan incarnate.

As soon as I arrived at my apartment in Incheon, a city about 30 minutes outside of Seoul, I launched my bags to the nearest available corner, got on the horn and called my best friend in Korea (14th best friend in Toronto) Cory. He gave me the worst directions, as he usually does, but hey, in a country where everything to me looked like the alphabet was created by a blind, deaf, mute, and very sensitive chicken, Cory is the best thing I had...and still have!

After much searching the streets of Itaewon (a notorious foreigner district) under dark and rainy skies, I finally stumble upon Cory. One must keep in mind that Cory is a very eccentric young man, so to see him wearing nothing but a toga while holding a conversation with another young man brandishing a Stetson was no surprise to me, and thankfully for his sake and the sake of his cowboy friend, it was Halloween. After Cory and I exchanged our hellos, tears of joy, and nipple rubbing, we strolled over to a party he knew about. Upon arriving at the party, I observed there was no food. Just a side note here, I'm a big boy, and I need my food, especially after a 20+ hour flight, a previous night of drunken debauchery, and zero sleep, one could become very perturbed. Cory introduced me to all his nice foreigner friends, I did not retain any of their names, and to this day after numerous meetings I still don't, but that's besides the point! The point is, I was famished. I kept asking Cory for some food but all he kept passing me was Soju. Finally we make our way outside, bellies full with liquor and no food. It is at this juncture I lose it, and demand that Cory buy me some damn food. Cory ran across the street, stopping cars, toga flailing in the wind, and disappeared into the convenience store, as I kept watch under a cold, wet, and miserable night. As I leaned against the streetlamp within my nearest proximity, I sat and wondered, "this is Cory we are talking about, he's drunk, yelling, and wearing a goddamn toga. Do you think he will possibly get me any food?" Just as I had finished my thought, Cory comes running out in the same manner as before, but this time his hands are full with not one but two bottles of bloody Soju! We aren't just talking any Soju here, we are talking about Cool Soju, OK? Just look at this shit:
Ya, "Honest" is the best way to describe Beelzebub's Brew. Soju will have words coming out of your mouth that you never thought possible, but in this night's case, it wasn't just words. That my friends is a literary phenomenon called "foreshadowing".

After getting halfway through some Cool, Cory took me to a street vendor where I ate deep-fried squid surprise. At this point though, food was food was food!

Long story short, that was pretty much the last thing I remember, well until I realized I was in a night club called Ska, but they spell it Sk@, so in my books that means Skat, which means some poor soul is gonna be shat upon. Look it up! The German's invented it, anything German can't be that bad right? Well, instead of fecal manner exploding in every direction of the dance floor, Cory's friends, and my new acquaintances got acquainted with my vomitus all over their backs, from what I've been told!

Anyways, that was my first adventure is Soju, I've had a few more since then, so please stay tuned.

Doing what I have to do to be me.

Dave P. :)

Wow, Koreans Think Chinese People Look Like This Too!

I was wandering around some alleys which I could never locate again in Seoul and stumbled across this. I find this quite fascinating because a statue, or should I say tribute of this nature would be deemed highly offensive in Canada, or anywhere else in the world for that matter. However, I am in Korea and this might be some loving homage to Chinese food, quite possibly because it is a Chinese restaurant. I attempted to take a photo with the little guy, but some "ajuma" (old lady) came running towards me at full throttle yelling in Korean. Although I thought she was angry, I soon realized she was smiling, and was perhaps asking me to pose with her and our new Chinese friend. In the end, I was very confused, and felt as though this offensive statue led me to offending the old Korean lady, and did what any man would do...I ran away.

Until we next speak.

-Dave P.

Welcome

Long ago I made a promise (10 minutes ago to be exact). I gave my word to a wide eyed and hopeful young man named Chris that I would create a free blog for all to see. In my opinion I should be charging you to view it, but my grammar is horrendous, and I cannot justify asking the public for money in order to fund my tales of debauchery in Korea. For the record, I am very much in the bag right now, a.k.a. drunk to all you virgins out there (don't worry, God still has a place for you in His Kingdom). For the next year, I will be sharing my tales experienced in the Land of the Morning Calm with you, my closest admirers. Yes, I will be reporting these stories with all three of you, but keep in mind you are in a very select category. To my closest of closest friends, in the haunting words of Josh Groban, "you raise me up so I can stand on mountains, you raise me up, to walk on stormy seas."

I love you all, and I bid you adieu. Until the next blog, but for now I must drop a log. Was that too predictable? I thought so. Yet, I am in Korea, and for those who do understand me are half a world away. Therefore, one should not give two shits about what one says. In the age of the Internet, it is advisable that others should fear what they convey to the public, however, I shit fear for breakfast. That's right, I am so mad that I only have time to shit, and not prepare an English muffin with strawberry jam and freshly cut lemon zest gracing it's warm surface.

As Mother Teresa once said, " the most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved." If you have sentiments relating to such a statement, do not talk to me, and perhaps seek some professional help.

It's been a slice.

Best regards,

Dave P. in Korea