Student Quote of the Day

For those that don't know, I am currently an English teacher in South Korea. Although I should not be sharing my student's writings like this, I can hardly resist.

Student X writes:

"They are eat blackfast at 9 o'clock."

Ignoring the awkward grammar, I came across the word "blackfast". I don't know what or who a blackfast is, but my student, knowing that I am Canadian could be referring to the great Ben Johnson. My logic? Well, apart from the fact that there is an obvious Korean connection in that he won the Men's 100m gold in SEOUL God damn KOREA, he is also black and fast. Ergo, blackfast.

Suspect #1: Ben Johnson

Other "blackfast" possibilities:

Suspect #2: Usain "Menenenene (Reggae Horn)" Bolt
Evidence: A black and fast world record holder.

Suspect #3: Twista a.k.a. "Guy That Raps Too Damn Fast to Comprehend"
Evidence: He's black and talks fast.

Suspect #4: R.I.P. James Brown a.k.a. "The Hardest Working Man in Show Business"
Evidence: He was black and lived fast.

Suspect #5: Bill "The Sweater" Cosby
Evidence: Black comedian whose material dies fast...Well except for Jello commercials.

Suspect #6: Samuel L. "Put Muhthafuckin' Snakes in any Muthafuckin' Script" Jackson
Evidence: Angry, black, and known to kick some ass fast...Don't let the photo fool you.


Suspect #6: MC "I Bought a Solid Muthafuckin' Gold Toilet, and Then Decided to Become Religious Once I Realized I Spent Beyond My Means and Found Solace in God and Doing His Work" Hammer.
Evidence: Black man that came and went. Essentially, black and fast.

I know what you are all thinking, "Dave, you need to stop right here, this is enough, we get it." But to that I say nay; sure I've created a fantastic short list the movers and shakers in the black community, but what good would that be if one could not speculate on who would be the most tender, delectable, and hearty blackfast. I ask myself soul-searching questions like: "Does blackfast age like a good bottle of Chianti?", or "Does one truly enjoy a good blackfast when it is young?", veal comes to mind; and finally, " Is blackfast better when it is a profanity spewing, callous, type-casted entertainer?" So without further "to do", I give you my list of the tastiest blackfasts in the globe:

In order of scrumptiousness:

7.) Twista: Yes he is from Chicago, but so what. It may be the windy city, but I can't even comprehend the wind that escapes his mouth. As far as I am concerned, he would be a terrible date; stale and incomprehensible conversation. I deem him student quality blackfast.

Cheer up Tiwsta!

6.) Bill Cosby: Amazing sweaters, but terrible everything else. Serve with Jello pudding.

Cheer Up Bill!

5.) MC Hammer: Fashion sense, or a disappointing outcome? Either way, Hammer is obviously trying to overcompensate for something. His conscious emotional detachment from those he loves, or his lack of confidence in the male genitalia. Personally, I like a confident chicken, I don't want an insecure blackfast.

Cheer Up Hammer!

4.) Usain Bolt: Yes, he's fast, and yes, he's black. However, has he arrived at the ultimate strata of blackfastedness? I think not. Sorry Mr. Bolt, either you break more world records or musicians create music to celebrate your world records at a world record pace. Then maybe, just maybe, you can reach the number three plateau.

Cheer Up Usain!

3.) James Brown: Yes, he lived fast. Yes, he even was black; and yes, he even was a drug addicted, incomprehensible, outlandish, and entertaining celebrity, but Mr. James Brown is just too good for blackfast. He moved on before the word even materialized. Perhaps he was a modern day Mayan who knew 2012 was bullshit, and decided to move on two weeks before a scheduled concert at Casino Rama in Rama, Ontario, Canada in 2006!

Don't Bother Cheering Up!

Samuel L. Jackson: You don't eat him for blackfast, he eats you, and shitty post-2000 movie scripts..

Cheer Up Samuel L.!

1.) Ben Johnson: Besides the fact that you still could not outrun Ben Johnson, you could not just bring yourself to eating a blackfast of this nature. He Cheetahs; yes he has sunk so low that he must film a commercial on a faux talk show with recently bankrupt Frank D'Angelo, that one could not feel a lack of sympathy for such an athlete with a tarnished career. However, I don't really mind. Mr. Johnson is quite like candies; a guilty pleasure that one does not care about until someone brings up the fact that your are 40 lbs. overweight and injecting steroids.

Cheetah Up Ben!